Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Fiction


The following is an excerpt from the novel tenatively titled Poker Face, by Judy Gaga

Listen carefully. There are nine people sitting at this table and one of us is going to win a lot of money tonight. There's also a dealer, who is not supposed to talk aside from calling out the stakes. But he's only human, so sometimes he does. He really doesn't say much, but it's very important that you pay attention to every detail possible.

The game is starting. The dealer deals and I get a 5 of clubs and a 2 of spades, so I fold and this gives me time to look around and evaluate my competition. You've got to be very careful when you do this because snap judgments could lead to some pretty terrible mistakes later on. Especially with women. I have a hard time reading women. I've got five sisters and a mother, each one worlds different from the others, and I tend to classify women into types based on the six examples I grew up with. I do it subconsciously. In the real world I've never met anyone as crazy as any of the women in my family are but I also know better than to think that there are only six types of crazy. There are as many types of crazy as there are women. And that's why I'll never get married, ha.

There's only one woman here at this table tonight and she's sitting directly across from me. And trust me it's not the worst view a guy could have, ha ha. She's small and thin with an olive complexion and she's deciding whether or not to fold. She does this shifty, side to side thing with her exotic looking green eyes as she flips her long dark hair and I think she looks sharp. Smart. She seems like the quiet type and if I were ever to get married she's the kind of woman I would want to do it with. She calls and I knew she would. Or else I think I knew she would. You see? Snap judgments can kill you off early, they really can. The hair flipping is something to watch out for. But I'm glad she's sitting across from me and not the fat slob to my left who looks like he split half his lunch between himself and his shirt.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Boringlight

All my respect to Stephenie Meyer, but I've been reading her book Twilight and I cannot fathom why it's become an international bestseller, let alone a mega-blockbuster movie series. For some reason I get the feeling that she's as baffled by her success as I am. Twilight has so many cliches and Bella's voice gets on my nerves. Furthermore, it reminds me of Elle Aiessae's and my absolute favorite series in the world (when we were about ten, that is), The Secret Circle by LJ Smith. Which was, and still is, way, way better than the terribly cheesy and boring Twilight.


Cassie, Faye, Diana, Adam... why didn't that get made into a movie? I never read Smith's series, The Vampire Diaries, but I bet it was good too, and again, much better than Twilight. And now after a brief wikipedia search I have learned that they're adapting the Vampire Diaries into a CW television series. Of course they are.

I bought the True Blood series last weekend after hearing everybody talking about it and I liked the first episode. But what is with the vampire overload, lately? It reminds me of the Harry Potter craze. What's going to be the next big thing, I wonder? A sitcom about a cyclops family, maybe? Or griffins... griffins are majestic and glamorous.

Like I said, all my respect to Stephenie Meyer. I hope to one day write something that will captivate a lot of people, too. I just hope there's some substance behind whatever it is that I write. And I hope that whatever I write gets made into a movie, too, and that I get to choose the actors to play the parts.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Pepe Question


me: Pepe? Everyone loves Pepe
SS: But Pepe doesn't love everyone

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Simmie


SIMYA ATHENA IBIZA
May 27, 2004-September 27, 2009


In loving memory of Simya Athena Ibiza, the most selfish little chinchilla that ever was. I will miss giving you big blocks of ice in tupperware in the summertime (which was my idea). Thank you for all the love and joy you brought into our lives. We will miss you terribly.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Movie Night with CC #2

CC: Yeah. Let's get that one. It's got an excellent cast.
Me: ..........

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Insects

This afternoon I headed outside to sit atop my favorite stool and think when I noticed that somebody was already on it:


It looks a lot bigger and a lot scarier in person. It was almost the size of my palm, when it was at ease. It even raised up into a fighter attack stance. Here's a close up:


It even looks like a warrior. A tribal warrior. What are those dorky balls on the middle of the antennae? Maybe they're there to pick up the tiniest of sounds. They remind me of those things you could put on your spokes when you were a kid, those things that made noise. Those yellow things on its back, the tribal paint, I mean, are its wings.

Anyway, I was afraid. But I was determined to harass it because I wanted to see it do something else besides sit on my favorite stool. So. Standing behind the safety of the sliding glass door I rolled out a tape measure to make an appx. nine foot agitator. Then I opened the door about an inch and, sticking it out the door sideways, I tried agitating the Warrior Bug with the little metal hook end of my agitator. The warrior bug didn't budge and stood proud and tall as if it knew exactly what was going on. As if it wanted to kill me. The whole time I did this, about 30 seconds, I was really scared it was going to come get me.

I haaaaate all insects, especially spiders and am always thinking of two things whenever I am outside: Black widows, and brown recluse spiders. At my house in Merdead we have lots of black widows lurking around everywhere. They have to spray constantly just to keep the population at a minimum. My mom is so brave, she always goes walking around at night behind the bushes and trees to turn off sprinkler faucets everywhere. She says she's been bitten a couple of times, too, and she still isn't afraid. I would love to be like her someday.

There's also a HUGE moth here that's big and black. I call it La Mariposa de la Muerte. These things are gigantic. Think like if you took a pitch black hardcover book, opened it, turned it sideways, and flattened it against your wall. They fly into your home and attach themselves into the corners of your walls. Then, they wait until you are asleep to start flapping their giant wings around in the darkness. It's so creepy and unnecessary. In the daytime they just huddle in the corners like bats. I know they don't bite or do anything harmful but I Haaaaaaate these things, wouldn't you? People say that if one flies into your home and you don't kill it, someone in your house will die. But I can't kill them, it's too scary to take the life of something this large and evil- looking.

Here is a picture of one, in person they are bigger and blacker than this:

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Random Family Conversation Remembered


"That's because you're bipedal and have opposable thumbs."-The Unforgettable Elle Aiessae
"What?! What'd she say?!!"-Diddy
"She said, she wonders why she smells lilacs when we're surrounded by lilies."-Mummy

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What a Stupid Day

I am so annoyed that I am going to break my one thousand day posting fast and tell you all about it!

First, I wanted to go swimming today more than anything in the whole entire world, but our fraccionamiento swimming pool has been besieged by approximately one thousand little ghetto children who have most likely raised the pool water acidity by one thousand percent since noon. This means that not only will I not go swimming today, but I will not get to go swimming at all until after next Monday which is when they clean the pool.

Two, the lady who owns the house we are renting just told us that in order to keep the 6 curtains in the house we need to BUY them all at the RIDICULOUS cost of one thousand dollars. We researched the curtains and to buy them all brand new would cost about half that much. So we said no and right now as I type this there is some weird guy taking them all down and suddenly, even though it is like 7:00pm the house temperature is around one thousand degrees (celsius) and I need sunglasses to see in here. Now we have to buy curtains that fit these windows, which are special windows of a special size that we will never be able to use in another house. She could have at least given us time to purchase new ones and put them up before taking them down.

There is one other thing that happened today that was the most annoying thing of all. It involves a pocket, the family restaurant Hooters, the number one thousand and a pathological liarface. That's all I am allowed to say about it and that is all I want to say about it because it is just that annoying.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Making History

The entirely over-abundant urine sample of a total stranger (Courtesy Google Images)

My friend and I, dressed in very formal attire and sitting in the middle of a very fancy-schmancy dinner party, were having a very enthusiastic and rather loud conversation about proper stool and urine sample etiquette at the Doctor's office.

I opined that one should look for a way to set the sample down somewhere preferably hidden without having to pass it over to someone else's hands directly, and that the proper way to transport a sample from the bathroom to the lab is inside of a purse. She agreed and offered the appropriate way to give a sample over to a lab tech or nurse hand to hand if the situation were necessary.

We both eagerly agreed with the notion that one should be sure to give as little a sample as possible of either, but were unsure of exactly how much might be too little, which would make you have to do it all over again.

We shrieked with laughter as we verbally brought to life an imaginary scenario where someone turns in their entire (freakishly large) bowel movement, and then the moment got serious as I confided a very personal and emotional story from my childhood in which I fill my urine sample cup up to the rim during a doctor's visit, giving them about 2 cups worth of my urine and how my mom came in after me and poured the excess out, shaking her head and saying "You don't have to give them that much".

It was around this time that I tore my attention away from this engrossing conversation and looked up, straight into the lens of a videocamera (and behind it, a grinning cameraman) standing three feet away from us, recording the whole thing for the ages.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

And So I Was Driving To Walmart And There Was This Cow...

... and it hopped onto a police truck, which gave it a ride to the other end of the Walmart, where it got off...

My Flight Home! Or, Why I Love to Fly!

Final Ticket Count: 17

June 10th, 2009

ITINERARY:
Depart10:35AM from San Francisco (SFO)

Arrive4:10PM from Dallas (DFW)
American Airlines Flight 2034
3 Hr 35 Min


Depart5:00PM Dallas (DFW)

Arrive7:35PM Mexico City (MEX)

American Airlines
Flight 481
2 Hr 35 Min

5:00AM PST: Wake up and get ready to go to Mexico.

6:30AM: Elle Aiessae, CC, AJ and I leave for the SFO Airport

9:30AM: SFO and an hour till we fly!Thanks for the ride, Elle!

10:35AM: Flight delayed half an hour.

11:35AM: Flight delayed due to technical problems with the aircraft. We're going to miss our connecting flight to Dallas. We have to get reassigned to another flight and we get to stay in a hotel paid for by AA. Which is more than fine. Would we like to spend the night in SFO or in DFW? We choose DFW, to split up the travel time over two days. Oh, and instead of flying into Mexico City we must fly into BJX instead. That's okay, too. Perhaps even better. And we get food vouchers.
Our new itinerary:

Dallas/ft Worth (DFW) to Leon (BJX) on Thursday, 2009-06-11

Flight: AA3737
Operated By: AMERICAN EAGLE

Depart: 09:55 (DFW)

Arrive: 12:15 (BJX)


12:35PM: Still in SFO. Still delayed. Dreaming about the hotel. If we leave now we can have time to go swimming and relax a few hours before we go to bed.

1:30PM: It's getting late. By the time we get to Dallas, it will be past 8PM and we'll still have to check in and get the hotel arrangements with the airline, wait for baggage, get to the hotel. Maybe we should change our flight the next morning to something later.

2:30PM: Finally we board!

6:00PM CST: There is a huge electric storm in Dallas. Our plane cannot land, so instead we are going to circle the airport and wait for the storm to end or for clearance to land somewhere else.
8:00 PM CST: Storm is not letting up. We must fly to Oklahoma City and then they'll tell us what to do. I want to stay in a hotel in Oklahoma City.

8:45PM: Oklahoma City. Everybody gets out of the plane and onto the tarmac to change planes.

9:30PM: Dallas Fort Worth. Everybody gets out of the plane and into a HUGE LONG LINE to make their plans with the front desk. We are the last ones in line.

11:00PM: Airline person fights with me and says things that are really obvious. He does not let me talk. I want to change my morning flight because I want to sleep in. We have a verbal scuffle and he wins, I burst into tears and he feels sorry for me. He wants to put us in a really nice hotel, I can tell. But we have been translating for a man from Costa Rica and another man from Chile this whole time and they want to tag along with us because they have no idea what is going on, so he begrudgingly put us in the hotel that they are in. He tries to warn me with his eyes, but what can I do? Oh, and it will be impossible to retrieve our luggage tonight.


June 11th, 2009


12:00AM: Airport shuttle arrives and proceeds to pack us like sardines into the van. We are very illegally seated, but nobody cares because finally we are leaving the airport. It is a very bumpy ride that lasts about 40 minutes. 40 minutes!!!
12:40AM: We pull up to the B----- Inn. Everybody in the van starts to laugh.

12:45AM: AJ gets us pushed up to the front of the line. Which doesnt matter, because CC has to stay and translate for the two L. American guys who are in the back of the line.
1:15AM: CC gets to the hotel room and sees the glory that is the B---- Inn. We are tired and want to sleep but AJ wants to play. We have no cell phones (batteries are dead and no chargers) and so we set the hotel alarm clock to wake up at 6:30AM. The phones don't work because of the storm so we can't get a wake up call.
2:00AM: AJ doesn't understand that we need to get up at 6:30AM to catch the airport shuttle that is leaving at 7:00AM. She doesn't get it.
2:30 or so: Finally we all fall asleep.
3:30AM: Electrical storm starts up again and the lights go out. Which means that the alarm clock goes out, too. I don't care at all but CC sleeps in worried spurts in fear that we will miss the bus and our flight.

6:30AM: CC wakes us up

7:00AM: Back to the airport. The sky is gray and it is rainy. I have my doubts we will leave.

10:30AM: We are told to sit tight and wait because our flight will definitely be leaving, although we will be delayed. We are told to NOT APPROACH THE DESK BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE ANY INFORMATION. A lot of flights are being canceled, but ours isn't canceled and won't be.

11:30AM: Flight delayed another hour.

12:00PM: Flight delayed another hour.

1:00PM: Flight delayed another hour.

2:00PM: Flight disappears completely from the flight listings. Its gone. So are the desk employees. They just left. 2:15PM: People are kinda frantic. They don't know what to do. It's like this all over the airport as airlines cancel flights left and right. Everybody is going to gate D24 by word of mouth. Supposedly Gate D24 is PACKED with people. We decide to stay at our gate and wait.
3:00PM: The airline people are back at the desk again. We get in line and wait to talk with them.

3:30PM: Our turn finally arrives. Our flight has been canceled. We are on our own because they are not liable for weather troubles. No hotel and no food vouchers. I tell CC to make AJ cry (which is easy, all you have to do is stop moving and be boring) as I explain to the airline people that this all started because of mechanical failure back in SFO and how hard it has been on us and how AJ is out of supplies and clean clothes and we need our luggage back. The airline lady is super nice with us and forces her superior to get us a hotel room and food vouchers. I can tell she is getting us a nice hotel this time by the look she gives me and her superior, who is forced to okay it.

3:45PM: The airline lady is still dealing with us. We have a hotel, but no flight back. All flights are full until SUNDAY.

4:15PM: We are still dealing with the airline lady. She finally gives us a phone number to call and tells us to get to our hotel and rest and to call the number later.

5:00PM: We get to our room at the Hilton. I was right. The bed is so comfortable and we all sleep for 2 hours. When we wake up we call the 1800 number and are booked with a flight at 2pm the next day to BJX on Mexicana instead of AA. Whatever!!! We'll take it!

8:00PM: We order room service and watch the NBA finals game. We have a perfect night of rest and relaxation.


June 12th, 2009

10:00AM: We wake up and have a perfect leisurely morning.

12:00PM: Check out and airport shuttle. We arrive at the airport. We're in the same clothes and everything and we havent brushed our teeth properly or put on deodorant in 2 days but we're showered and feeling quite refreshed.

12:10PM: Check in at Mexicana airlines. They don't have our reservation.

12:30PM: On the phone with the AA rep. She apologizes profusely for our ordeal. She rebooks us for a packed flight at 5:30PM to Mexico City. I try to get her to upgrade our seats for our suffering. She says she can't but that I should speak with the desk people about it.

1:00PM: After standing in line again, we finally get our seats confirmed. I ask the lady about seat upgrades. She cops a
major attitude and tells me I am lying when I told her that the AA rep on the phone told me to speak with her about it. I drop the issue forever and resolve that I am not a "get stuff free" kind of person. She prints our tickets.
5:30PM: Flight has been delayed 1 hour.

6:30PM: We start boarding. They call out group numbers and we realize we don't have a group. We don't have seats assigned, either. We start panicking and realize that we probably are on standby.
6:35PM: We're not on standby! We got seats.
6:45PM: We fly home. We finally get home to our house at 2AM.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

TTASFICST #5

#5

When I'm watching a movie and all of a sudden some ultra-nerdy character says something ultra-nerdy that only my sister would say.

Like Augie Farks did in Role Models:

*FYI* There was no copy of this scene to be found on all of the internets, so I had to upload my own. For all of those people wanting to know how I did it: First I put in a pirated copy of Role Models into my DVD player, then I fast-forwarded it to the scene I wanted, and pressed pause. Then I turned on my digital camera, and aiming it directly at the tv, I pressed the record button and the play button of the DVD remote control at the same time. I'm a technophile.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Pig Flu


Yesterday CC and I saw a Mom and daughter driving alone inside their car with surgical masks on, which was a TTASFICST. People are panicking and all the schools here shut down until May 6th. I keep expecting to look out my window and see PIG ZOMBIES marching down the street. How serious is this thing, really?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

CC Speak



"SMASHED POTATOES"


"ROLLER COASTERS"


"LINDSEY LONHAS"

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Somebody Gave Me Pink Eye

I have no idea who. But somebody gave me pink eye this weekend. On Friday, to be exact. It was a nasty, aggressive strain of pink eye too, so in addition to my eye looking like this,



I also had flu-like symptoms like fever, chills, and a sore throat. The worst part of it all was that instead of going to a simple doctor's visit for something lame like pink eye, which really just heals by itself, I had to go to the HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM and wait LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF for the hospital opthamologist to get there and give me a 15 minute exam so I could get my eye drops. The reason is because it is Semana Santa, or Easter week, so nobody is working and finding a doctor who isn't on vacation is impossible. I wouldn't have gone to a doctor for pink eye, either, but my eye looked so scary that I felt it necessary. It looked like I had some kind of STD in my eye.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Store

This is a dress store and it bugs me. I want to spray paint a tiny little A after the Z, you know what I'm saying.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Sunday, March 29, 2009

DF Stories

All Mexicans seem to have at least one crazy story to tell about something that happened to him or her while in Mexico City, and the consensus is that it's a horrible place. I've heard all kinds of stories, from kidnappings to muggings to robberies to shootings and more.

My father-in-law was pulled over by the police and escorted to an ATM in the middle of nowhere so that he could pay the police a several hundred-dollar bribe for being in the city at the wrong time with his car (in D.F., you can only drive on certain days of the week depending on your license plate numbers).

This weekend, CC and some guy were trading their DF stories, and the guy said that once he was driving through D.F. and happened to make an illegal turn, and two cops pulled him over. He didn't have any money on him to pay them a bribe, so the cops were threatening to turn him into the corral (they round up people who can't bribe the cops into a parking lot, and then those people have to sit and wait for a tow truck to come and take their cars away until they pay the actual city fine). The guy obviously didn't want this to happen, so he was kind of pleading with the cops to give him a break. The cops decided to take his stereo. The guy agreed, so the cops came over with tools, extracted his stereo system and left.

I know someone else who says that he was tricycle-jacked when he was 5 years old, riding down the street in his Mexico City neighborhood. I guess that isn't too weird as it is sad, now that I think about it. Worse was the case of CC's cousin who was car-jacked, thrown into the trunk and left in the middle of nowhere. He had to beg for his life, and they let him have it, thank god.

I don't know. I really like D.F. We don't spend a lot of time there because of all this the anecdotal evidence that it's a bad place, but I'd like to. My friend and I went there about two and a half years ago and kind of explored the safer areas and I thought it was a beautiful city. The picture I posted is from that trip, taken out of our hotel window.

Monday, March 23, 2009

And the Fatty McSnacksalot Award Goes To...


Rachael Ray comes on the American Network here and quite frankly, I'm feeling shocked, confused, and disgusted at the things she cooks on that show. Tonight she made Mac n´Cheese Hamburgers. I mean, she mixed up American cheese and cooked macaroni into hamburger meat and then made hamburgers. It was so disgusting I had to watch her do it, and then I went to http://www.rachaelray.com/ to see what other culinary delights she's gone and thought up. Her website is a glutton's treasure trove. I found:

Pozole Mexican Lasagna Wtf
Chili Dog Nachos Wtf
Spaghetti and Meatball Salad Wtf
Gumbo Style Chunky Hash with Fried Eggs Wtf
Cheesy Potato Snowballs with Roasted Red Pepper Buttermilk Ranch Wtf
Sloppy Joe Manicotti Bake Wtf
and much, much more.

Nasty. Every one of those recipes sounds like vomit on a plate to me. But more importantly, doesn't she realize who she's talking to? I read that in 2006 an estimated 80,000,000 people in the USA have some form of heart disease. I'm not saying that Rachael Ray should go all health nut on us, but she's taking "comfort food" way too far.
This is the kind of thing that brings tears of to the eyes of the dainty Elle Aiessae.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Tell Me How I Should Feel

Just for reference, these are the Village People:


And this is the ad I saw today in a Mexican Tabloid:



Please Vote.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Random Family Conversation Remembered



"That's because you're bipedal and have opposable thumbs."-The Unforgettable Elle Aiessae
"What?! What'd she say?!!"-Diddy
"She said, she wonders why she smells lilacs when we're surrounded by lilies."-Mummy

Conversations with CC


Me: The reason I don't like fish soup is because I don't like things that are flavored like fish that aren't fish.
CC: Really
Me: Yeah. Does that make sense?
CC: Not really
Me: What do you mean, it doesn't make sense? Like for example, say you opened that avocado and tasted it and it tasted fishy. That would be gross, wouldn't it?
CC: That's weird.
Me: But doesn't that make sense?
CC: No
Me: I thought that you, of all people, would get me on this.
CC: (sensing danger, trying to pretend like he cares) So, you mean you don't like the flavor of fish.
Me: No! I like fish, if it's fish. Something that isn't fish shouldn't have a fish flavor.
CC: What about the Flavor of Love?
Me: I can't have a deep conversation with you.
CC: !!!¿This is deep?!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Drugs



Signs that your Neighbor Deals Drugs

1. He drives a $3,50o,000 peso Bentley
2. He's got two unfriendly security guards standing in front of his houses 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
3. Houses- He's got two houses right next to each other, and probably one or two in the back although I've never thought to check, probably because he's gone and built some secret escape route in case rival drug lords (as opposed to the police) come
4. An SUV full of scary looking bodyguards tails him whenever and wherever he comes and goes

CC and Common Sense have forbidden me to post a picture of the drug dealer's houses. So instead, here's "Mr. Chomps".

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Sheep


The Farmer looked out his window. The black sheep stood alone.
"It's like they've heard the idiom," he said to his wife. "That black one never mingles with the rest, and the rest never mingle with him."
"Give them time," his wife said. She was ironing. "They've got to mix up together eventually."
"It's just so strange."
"They're just sheep," she said.


..........

The black one stayed back as the others ate, and the Farmer had to wait around for almost an hour for the white ones to eat and scatter before he could coax the black one over to feed separately. As it came closer, the Farmer looked it over and found nothing out of the ordinary. It was exactly like the others, only black.

..........


The buyer was a Mexican man who was throwing a wedding for his son and he wanted to buy a sheep to roast for the party.
"Why don't you take that black one," the Farmer suggested. "He's a fine sheep and has plenty of meat on him."
The Mexican shook his head. "I'll take that white one right there," he said, pointing at a large male by the fence.
"That'll be just fine, too," the farmer said.


............

That night the farmer took his wife to her bingo game. He hated bingo but he went every Tuesday night with his wife because she always won.
"Not even a line," she mumbled as the time ran out.
"Tonight's just not your night, then." The farmer whispered.
"But it's always my night," she whispered back.
"BINGO!" a fat woman shouted, and the farmer's wife and everyone else groaned.


....................

The phone rang. It was John Johnson wanting to know when the wool would be ready for pick-up.
"The week after next," said the Farmer. He hung up the phone and looked out the window. The dog was by the fence, barking at the sheep. All of them stood still, their heads turned in alarm, watching the dog, except for the black one. He had his head down and was eating grass.


...........................

The farmer took his stool and shears and got to work. Each sheep took exactly 33 minutes to shear, which meant it was going to take him about two weeks to finish. It was hard work. The farmer worked steadily and sturdily and soon enough had fallen into a rhythm- eat sleep shear eat sleep shear eat sleep shear and before he knew it he was all but done with only the black one to go. He went and brought him over from the other end of the field and began to shear him. The black wool came off and 33 minutes later the black sheep ran naked back to the other end of the fence. The white sheep made a little path for him as he ran by.
The farmer shook his head, wiped his brow, and went back into the house.


....................

John Johnson picked up the wool the next day and paid the Farmer, and the Farmer went to another farm a few miles away and bought some more sheep.
"Got any black ones?" he asked the other farmer. "I wanted to buy a black one to match my other black one so he won't seem so lonely standing out there in my field."
"You getting a little light in them trousers there, Jim?" he asked him.
"No."
"I had one, but I sold him this morning."
"Oh, fine, that's all right."


........................

The Mexican needed another sheep. He was having another party. His daughter was getting married.
"Please take the black one," the farmer said. The Mexican shook his head.
"The last time I came you suggested the same thing. What is wrong with that black sheep?" he asked.
The farmer paused. "The others won't go near him."
"Hm." The Mexican smiled. "Or he won't go near the others. Maybe they're the evil ones."
"I never said I thought he was evil."
"Just bad luck?" The farmer didn't answer. "I'll take that one there by the front."
"Fine," the farmer said.


.........................

The farmers wife didn't win in bingo that week or the next.
"What a nasty streak of rotten luck," she said. "although I had a great run. Not everyone can say that. I guess I'll just count my blessings and find another hobby. I was thinking about Bridge."
"You're quitting?"
"Why, yes. There's no fun in it for me if I don't win."
"Try one more night for me, Birdie." He said, looking past her out the window into the field. She giggled.
"Alright, Jimmy, I will."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Conversation of the Month


I really don't hear that well, in spite of passing all of my hearing tests with flying colors. In India, I've read, people will extract your earwax for a small fee right on the street. It's supposed to be a life-changing and miraculous thing to do. I don't know, but after this conversation with a friend happened this weekend, I think I should have this done.

Friend: Have you heard of White Man Debacle?
Me: It sounds familiar. What is it?
Friend: (condescending snort) I said, 'Would you like a taco'

The weird thing is that "White Man Debacle" really did sound familiar to me, which is strange, so I googled it and found nothing. But anyway, I don't hear that well, and on top of that, I completely lost my voice on Saturday and had to say whatever I needed to say in a whisper all weekend, which taught me a lesson in brevity and how often I say completely unnecessary things. So now, after two months of searching for a New Year's Resolution, I've finally found one. This year, I'm going try my best to stop saying things like

"Oh wow"
"I have that dress"
"Look at the floor, it looks like uneven, it's not though I don't think"
"Kind of but not really"
"CC please find Pippen an obedience school and then take him" (in one ear and out the other)
"It was so funny"
"Im going to go to the bathroom"

which are all things that I said or almost said this weekend in my little hoarse whisper that no one could really hear, allowing me to either repeat the important things or filter out the dumb ones.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Ridiculous



CC got stuck in the traffic that followed after this horrible accident and we read about it in the paper the next day. The cause of it? Some farmer burned a field that was too close to the road and the drivers were suddenly enveloped in a blinding cloud of black smoke that billowed out into the freeway. It's accidents like these that make me care a lot less about the environment and care more about buying a gigantic SUV, the bigger, the better. CC agrees.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Notice, I Didn't Curse




I'm pretty upset today, because I came to the realization that my favorite airline, Mexicana, is a nasty, disgusting business and I hope it goes into bankruptcy and its dirty rotten employees remain unemployed forever.

I should have accepted this a long time ago, but I didn't because nothing bad had ever happened to me in the jillions of flights I've flown with them. They always seemed to be a vastly better option than the bare-bones American airlines like AA, United, and Delta. On those airlines, the seats are uncomfortable and tiny and always more expensive and the flight attendants seem really angry at you most of the time. But at least the workers don't steal from you while they're loading or unloading your baggage!

But I should have known better. They've stolen from my family members and friends who came all the way out here for my wedding, and, as I just found out recently, they treated my two best friends in the world like criminals (or worse) on their flight back to California, so much so that one of them resolved never, ever to come back again. Unless it was to the beach or some other touristy area where they really can't afford to meddle with the foreigners too much. And that made me sad to hear. When I asked her about it, she said that she hadn't wanted to tell me about her experience because she didn't want me to feel bad about it. But now I know, and I feel bad about it.

They also stole my aunt's brand new video camera, which was filled with lots and lots of adorable memories, I'm sure. And who knows what else. Apparently, as I'm finding out/accepting, being robbed while flying with Mexicana is a big problem.

I know that Mexico is a poor country and the people who stole a bag filled with brand new baby clothes that were given to AJ at her baby shower probably need it more than we do. I know that it could have been worse and they could have stolen something that I really NEEDED or something really VALUABLE, even though those clothes were given to her by people I love and had a lot of sentimental value. I know that it could have happened on any airline or in a number of situations not involving airlines, and that it probably happens in lots of different airlines in lots of different countries (including the US, I guess) every day. I know I should have packed my things better. I know I have to think these things to keep from feeling so angry.

And I also know that I really can't do anything about it, except write this blog entry and hope that someone out there reads it and flies some other airline instead as a result. Or just packs up their personal effects in such a way that makes it harder for Mexicana employees to steal.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Person of the Month




Name: AJ
Nicknames: Princess Candy, Miss Daisy, Locotiturris
Favorite things to do: taking baths, making her daddy be Morgan Freeman and drive her around while she looks at things and screams whenever he stops moving
Occupation: Baby
Bad Habits: Bulimia
Claim to Fame: freako eyelashes


AJ is a two-month old Mexican-American baby and January's person of the month. She was born in Clovis, California but lives in Queretaro and has already been to her first Casino, though she stayed in her hotel room for most of the trip. She was born at 8:18 on November the 8th of 2008, so now I'm into numerology because of all the 8's. Her doctor is a little old man who moves really slowly and dots his i's with little circles. Because she can't talk yet, CC does her voice for her thereby giving her a personality since she really doesn't have one of her own yet. She can only hold a smile for a good second or two, as Aunt Chaudrey pointed out, and the truth is that she really doesn't do anything remarkable, but this is sure to change as she's growing every day. So far she's an excellent baby and we love her and are very glad to have her around.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Books


I read a lot, so here is a list of all of the fiction books I read in 2008:

The Cat Who Could Read Backwards, by Lillian Jackson Braun
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards

The Book of Ruth by Jane Hamilton
City of Glass by Paul Auster
'Tis by Frank by McCourt
Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt
The Talented Mr. Ripley
The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay
Beloved by Toni Morrison
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards
The Liar's Club by Mary Karr
All the Numbers by Judy Merrill
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin

Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks (gag)
King of Torts John Grisham
The Street Lawyer by John Grisham

Trainspotting Irvine Welsh

The Thief Lord Cornelia Funke

Run by Ann Patchett

Running With Scissors by Augustine Burroughs
Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou
Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Whatever

The Best Old Book of the Year Award goes to: Tie: Angela's Ashes and Giovanni's Room
The Best New Book of the Year Award goes to: tie: Run and Book of Ruth
The Hardest Book to Read but Totally Worth the Effort Award goes to: Trainspotting
The Worst Book of the Year award goes to: ALL THE NUMBERS
The Biggest Waste of Time award goes to: tie: The Cat that could Read Backwards and ALL THE NUMBERS
The Most Fun To Read Award goes to: EAT PRAY LOVE
Honorable Mention for being a cool book: Power of One