Sunday, March 29, 2009

DF Stories

All Mexicans seem to have at least one crazy story to tell about something that happened to him or her while in Mexico City, and the consensus is that it's a horrible place. I've heard all kinds of stories, from kidnappings to muggings to robberies to shootings and more.

My father-in-law was pulled over by the police and escorted to an ATM in the middle of nowhere so that he could pay the police a several hundred-dollar bribe for being in the city at the wrong time with his car (in D.F., you can only drive on certain days of the week depending on your license plate numbers).

This weekend, CC and some guy were trading their DF stories, and the guy said that once he was driving through D.F. and happened to make an illegal turn, and two cops pulled him over. He didn't have any money on him to pay them a bribe, so the cops were threatening to turn him into the corral (they round up people who can't bribe the cops into a parking lot, and then those people have to sit and wait for a tow truck to come and take their cars away until they pay the actual city fine). The guy obviously didn't want this to happen, so he was kind of pleading with the cops to give him a break. The cops decided to take his stereo. The guy agreed, so the cops came over with tools, extracted his stereo system and left.

I know someone else who says that he was tricycle-jacked when he was 5 years old, riding down the street in his Mexico City neighborhood. I guess that isn't too weird as it is sad, now that I think about it. Worse was the case of CC's cousin who was car-jacked, thrown into the trunk and left in the middle of nowhere. He had to beg for his life, and they let him have it, thank god.

I don't know. I really like D.F. We don't spend a lot of time there because of all this the anecdotal evidence that it's a bad place, but I'd like to. My friend and I went there about two and a half years ago and kind of explored the safer areas and I thought it was a beautiful city. The picture I posted is from that trip, taken out of our hotel window.

Monday, March 23, 2009

And the Fatty McSnacksalot Award Goes To...


Rachael Ray comes on the American Network here and quite frankly, I'm feeling shocked, confused, and disgusted at the things she cooks on that show. Tonight she made Mac n´Cheese Hamburgers. I mean, she mixed up American cheese and cooked macaroni into hamburger meat and then made hamburgers. It was so disgusting I had to watch her do it, and then I went to http://www.rachaelray.com/ to see what other culinary delights she's gone and thought up. Her website is a glutton's treasure trove. I found:

Pozole Mexican Lasagna Wtf
Chili Dog Nachos Wtf
Spaghetti and Meatball Salad Wtf
Gumbo Style Chunky Hash with Fried Eggs Wtf
Cheesy Potato Snowballs with Roasted Red Pepper Buttermilk Ranch Wtf
Sloppy Joe Manicotti Bake Wtf
and much, much more.

Nasty. Every one of those recipes sounds like vomit on a plate to me. But more importantly, doesn't she realize who she's talking to? I read that in 2006 an estimated 80,000,000 people in the USA have some form of heart disease. I'm not saying that Rachael Ray should go all health nut on us, but she's taking "comfort food" way too far.
This is the kind of thing that brings tears of to the eyes of the dainty Elle Aiessae.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Tell Me How I Should Feel

Just for reference, these are the Village People:


And this is the ad I saw today in a Mexican Tabloid:



Please Vote.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Random Family Conversation Remembered



"That's because you're bipedal and have opposable thumbs."-The Unforgettable Elle Aiessae
"What?! What'd she say?!!"-Diddy
"She said, she wonders why she smells lilacs when we're surrounded by lilies."-Mummy

Conversations with CC


Me: The reason I don't like fish soup is because I don't like things that are flavored like fish that aren't fish.
CC: Really
Me: Yeah. Does that make sense?
CC: Not really
Me: What do you mean, it doesn't make sense? Like for example, say you opened that avocado and tasted it and it tasted fishy. That would be gross, wouldn't it?
CC: That's weird.
Me: But doesn't that make sense?
CC: No
Me: I thought that you, of all people, would get me on this.
CC: (sensing danger, trying to pretend like he cares) So, you mean you don't like the flavor of fish.
Me: No! I like fish, if it's fish. Something that isn't fish shouldn't have a fish flavor.
CC: What about the Flavor of Love?
Me: I can't have a deep conversation with you.
CC: !!!¿This is deep?!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Drugs



Signs that your Neighbor Deals Drugs

1. He drives a $3,50o,000 peso Bentley
2. He's got two unfriendly security guards standing in front of his houses 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
3. Houses- He's got two houses right next to each other, and probably one or two in the back although I've never thought to check, probably because he's gone and built some secret escape route in case rival drug lords (as opposed to the police) come
4. An SUV full of scary looking bodyguards tails him whenever and wherever he comes and goes

CC and Common Sense have forbidden me to post a picture of the drug dealer's houses. So instead, here's "Mr. Chomps".

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Sheep


The Farmer looked out his window. The black sheep stood alone.
"It's like they've heard the idiom," he said to his wife. "That black one never mingles with the rest, and the rest never mingle with him."
"Give them time," his wife said. She was ironing. "They've got to mix up together eventually."
"It's just so strange."
"They're just sheep," she said.


..........

The black one stayed back as the others ate, and the Farmer had to wait around for almost an hour for the white ones to eat and scatter before he could coax the black one over to feed separately. As it came closer, the Farmer looked it over and found nothing out of the ordinary. It was exactly like the others, only black.

..........


The buyer was a Mexican man who was throwing a wedding for his son and he wanted to buy a sheep to roast for the party.
"Why don't you take that black one," the Farmer suggested. "He's a fine sheep and has plenty of meat on him."
The Mexican shook his head. "I'll take that white one right there," he said, pointing at a large male by the fence.
"That'll be just fine, too," the farmer said.


............

That night the farmer took his wife to her bingo game. He hated bingo but he went every Tuesday night with his wife because she always won.
"Not even a line," she mumbled as the time ran out.
"Tonight's just not your night, then." The farmer whispered.
"But it's always my night," she whispered back.
"BINGO!" a fat woman shouted, and the farmer's wife and everyone else groaned.


....................

The phone rang. It was John Johnson wanting to know when the wool would be ready for pick-up.
"The week after next," said the Farmer. He hung up the phone and looked out the window. The dog was by the fence, barking at the sheep. All of them stood still, their heads turned in alarm, watching the dog, except for the black one. He had his head down and was eating grass.


...........................

The farmer took his stool and shears and got to work. Each sheep took exactly 33 minutes to shear, which meant it was going to take him about two weeks to finish. It was hard work. The farmer worked steadily and sturdily and soon enough had fallen into a rhythm- eat sleep shear eat sleep shear eat sleep shear and before he knew it he was all but done with only the black one to go. He went and brought him over from the other end of the field and began to shear him. The black wool came off and 33 minutes later the black sheep ran naked back to the other end of the fence. The white sheep made a little path for him as he ran by.
The farmer shook his head, wiped his brow, and went back into the house.


....................

John Johnson picked up the wool the next day and paid the Farmer, and the Farmer went to another farm a few miles away and bought some more sheep.
"Got any black ones?" he asked the other farmer. "I wanted to buy a black one to match my other black one so he won't seem so lonely standing out there in my field."
"You getting a little light in them trousers there, Jim?" he asked him.
"No."
"I had one, but I sold him this morning."
"Oh, fine, that's all right."


........................

The Mexican needed another sheep. He was having another party. His daughter was getting married.
"Please take the black one," the farmer said. The Mexican shook his head.
"The last time I came you suggested the same thing. What is wrong with that black sheep?" he asked.
The farmer paused. "The others won't go near him."
"Hm." The Mexican smiled. "Or he won't go near the others. Maybe they're the evil ones."
"I never said I thought he was evil."
"Just bad luck?" The farmer didn't answer. "I'll take that one there by the front."
"Fine," the farmer said.


.........................

The farmers wife didn't win in bingo that week or the next.
"What a nasty streak of rotten luck," she said. "although I had a great run. Not everyone can say that. I guess I'll just count my blessings and find another hobby. I was thinking about Bridge."
"You're quitting?"
"Why, yes. There's no fun in it for me if I don't win."
"Try one more night for me, Birdie." He said, looking past her out the window into the field. She giggled.
"Alright, Jimmy, I will."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Conversation of the Month


I really don't hear that well, in spite of passing all of my hearing tests with flying colors. In India, I've read, people will extract your earwax for a small fee right on the street. It's supposed to be a life-changing and miraculous thing to do. I don't know, but after this conversation with a friend happened this weekend, I think I should have this done.

Friend: Have you heard of White Man Debacle?
Me: It sounds familiar. What is it?
Friend: (condescending snort) I said, 'Would you like a taco'

The weird thing is that "White Man Debacle" really did sound familiar to me, which is strange, so I googled it and found nothing. But anyway, I don't hear that well, and on top of that, I completely lost my voice on Saturday and had to say whatever I needed to say in a whisper all weekend, which taught me a lesson in brevity and how often I say completely unnecessary things. So now, after two months of searching for a New Year's Resolution, I've finally found one. This year, I'm going try my best to stop saying things like

"Oh wow"
"I have that dress"
"Look at the floor, it looks like uneven, it's not though I don't think"
"Kind of but not really"
"CC please find Pippen an obedience school and then take him" (in one ear and out the other)
"It was so funny"
"Im going to go to the bathroom"

which are all things that I said or almost said this weekend in my little hoarse whisper that no one could really hear, allowing me to either repeat the important things or filter out the dumb ones.