Fiction

The following is an excerpt from the novel tenatively titled Poker Face, by Judy Gaga

Listen carefully. There are nine people sitting at this table and one of us is going to win a lot of money tonight. There's also a dealer, who is not supposed to talk aside from calling out the stakes. But he's only human, so sometimes he does. He really doesn't say much, but it's very important that you pay attention to every detail possible.

The game is starting. The dealer deals and I get a 5 of clubs and a 2 of spades, so I fold and this gives me time to look around and evaluate my competition. You've got to be very careful when you do this because snap judgments could lead to some pretty terrible mistakes later on. Especially with women. I have a hard time reading women. I've got five sisters and a mother, each one worlds different from the others, and I tend to classify women into types based on the six examples I grew up with. I do it subconsciously. In the real world I've never met anyone as crazy as any of the women in my family are but I also know better than to think that there are only six types of crazy. There are as many types of crazy as there are women. And that's why I'll never get married, ha.

There's only one woman here at this table tonight and she's sitting directly across from me. And trust me it's not the worst view a guy could have, ha ha. She's small and thin with an olive complexion and she's deciding whether or not to fold. She does this shifty, side to side thing with her exotic looking green eyes as she flips her long dark hair and I think she looks sharp. Smart. She seems like the quiet type and if I were ever to get married she's the kind of woman I would want to do it with. She calls and I knew she would. Or else I think I knew she would. You see? Snap judgments can kill you off early, they really can. The hair flipping is something to watch out for. But I'm glad she's sitting across from me and not the fat slob to my left who looks like he split half his lunch between himself and his shirt.

Boringlight

All my respect to Stephenie Meyer, but I've been reading her book Twilight and I cannot fathom why it's become an international bestseller, let alone a mega-blockbuster movie series. For some reason I get the feeling that she's as baffled by her success as I am. Twilight has so many cliches and Bella's voice gets on my nerves. Furthermore, it reminds me of Elle Aiessae's and my absolute favorite series in the world (when we were about ten, that is), The Secret Circle by LJ Smith. Which was, and still is, way, way better than the terribly cheesy and boring Twilight.


Cassie, Faye, Diana, Adam... why didn't that get made into a movie? I never read Smith's series, The Vampire Diaries, but I bet it was good too, and again, much better than Twilight. And now after a brief wikipedia search I have learned that they're adapting the Vampire Diaries into a CW television series. Of course they are.

I bought the True Blood series last weekend after hearing everybody talking about it and I liked the first episode. But what is with the vampire overload, lately? It reminds me of the Harry Potter craze. What's going to be the next big thing, I wonder? A sitcom about a cyclops family, maybe? Or griffins... griffins are majestic and glamorous.

Like I said, all my respect to Stephenie Meyer. I hope to one day write something that will captivate a lot of people, too. I just hope there's some substance behind whatever it is that I write. And I hope that whatever I write gets made into a movie, too, and that I get to choose the actors to play the parts.

The Pepe Question

me: Pepe? Everyone loves Pepe

SS: But Pepe doesn't love everyone

Simmie

SIMYA ATHENA IBIZA

May 27, 2004-September 27, 2009

In loving memory of Simya Athena Ibiza, the most selfish little chinchilla that ever was. I will miss giving you big blocks of ice in tupperware in the summertime (which was my idea). Thank you for all the love and joy you brought into our lives. We will miss you terribly.

Movie Night with CC #2

CC: Yeah. Let's get that one. It's got an excellent cast.

Me: ..........

Insects

This afternoon I headed outside to sit atop my favorite stool and think when I noticed that somebody was already on it:


It looks a lot bigger and a lot scarier in person. It was almost the size of my palm, when it was at ease. It even raised up into a fighter attack stance. Here's a close up:

It even looks like a warrior. A tribal warrior. What are those dorky balls on the middle of the antennae? Maybe they're there to pick up the tiniest of sounds. They remind me of those things you could put on your spokes when you were a kid, those things that made noise. Those yellow things on its back, the tribal paint, I mean, are its wings.

Anyway, I was afraid. But I was determined to harass it because I wanted to see it do something else besides sit on my favorite stool. So. Standing behind the safety of the sliding glass door I rolled out a tape measure to make an appx. nine foot agitator. Then I opened the door about an inch and, sticking it out the door sideways, I tried agitating the Warrior Bug with the little metal hook end of my agitator. The warrior bug didn't budge and stood proud and tall as if it knew exactly what was going on. As if it wanted to kill me. The whole time I did this, about 30 seconds, I was really scared it was going to come get me.

I haaaaate all insects, especially spiders and am always thinking of two things whenever I am outside: Black widows, and brown recluse spiders. At my house in Merdead we have lots of black widows lurking around everywhere. They have to spray constantly just to keep the population at a minimum. My mom is so brave, she always goes walking around at night behind the bushes and trees to turn off sprinkler faucets everywhere. She says she's been bitten a couple of times, too, and she still isn't afraid. I would love to be like her someday.

There's also a HUGE moth here that's big and black. I call it La Mariposa de la Muerte. These things are gigantic. Think like if you took a pitch black hardcover book, opened it, turned it sideways, and flattened it against your wall. They fly into your home and attach themselves into the corners of your walls. Then, they wait until you are asleep to start flapping their giant wings around in the darkness. It's so creepy and unnecessary. In the daytime they just huddle in the corners like bats. I know they don't bite or do anything harmful but I Haaaaaaate these things, wouldn't you? People say that if one flies into your home and you don't kill it, someone in your house will die. But I can't kill them, it's too scary to take the life of something this large and evil- looking.

Here is a picture of one, in person they are bigger and blacker than this:

Random Family Conversation Remembered

"That's because you're bipedal and have opposable thumbs."-The Unforgettable Elle Aiessae
"What?! What'd she say?!!"-Diddy
"She said, she wonders why she smells lilacs when we're surrounded by lilies."-Mummy