Carsick

Inevitably, the conversation went on like it had countless times before, in some variation or another, inside every city car or taxi coming from the airport that sped past the village by the highway on its way to the beach.
"How can they stand the heat? Even in the shade it must be around 40 degrees..."
"They're used to it," someone would surely reply, eventually, perhaps after a discussion went on at some length about the conditions of the poor indigenous sitting outside in shacks of broken wood, or who stood by the road hawking aguas frias or coconuts to the tourists.
They're used to it. They get used to it. They've lived just this way all their lives, they don't know any different. They like hot weather, even! They can't stand the slightest whiff of cold air. They love it.
Ed Sortoson stared out the window as his wife's shrill voice filled the compartment of the small taxi. Ed wondered for a moment over the taxi driver's level of English, and then put it out of his mind forever. He was suddenly overwhelmingly carsick.

Halloween

We are invited to this big Halloween party where if you don't arrive in a costume you get thrown into the pool. I'm probably going as a volcano. Here is my costume design. CC doesn't know what he's going to be yet.

Ed Sortoson

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ed Sortoson was fat. Too fat, with cheeks that bulged as though filled with handfuls of caramel popping corn and a belly that quivered viciously as he walked briskly about the grounds of the offices where he worked, at a pace too fast for his build and his face in a scowl that prompted his employees to laugh behind cupped hands and to whisper fat jokes quietly through their straight white teeth into paper cups over thin bent frames at the water cooler- the boss, and though they respected him enough to his face they snickered at him behind his broad, cushioned back, to which he pretended not to see or to hear but which he saw and he heard as plain and as clear as the nose buried into his puffy face, which is why he scowled so, and he muttered under his breath important dates of meetings and deadlines and accounts for the people in Japan or in Argentina, who trusted him fat or not to deliver their goods and make their promises no matter how he looked or how fast his heart pumped as he hurried across the office building´s courtyard with its cool fountains and palm trees and snack machines that vended him full of hydrogenated vegetable oils and sucroses and fructoses several times a day, everyday.

Fiction

His hands are thin, dry- the palms are narrow with transparent callouses on the bottoms. He rubs them nervously together when he's standing or against the sides of his pants when he sits, all day long. All year long.
"But how did you feel when she left?"
"I didn't know she was gone," he said.

*********************************

His hands are large and warm, the fingers short and stubby. The tips are yellowed from holding hundreds of cigarettes. His arms wave around making constant assertions; his hands chop the air, slap the desk, hold his head in frustration as he predicates the whole point, the whole truth. That being abroad is like being in a mirror: everything inconsequential about you, inside out.
"Then, were you able to forget?"
He smiles. "I think, I was not."

Conversations with Elle

Me: I tried to post a comment on a youtube video once, but my comment wouldn't load. The little whirly thing just kept spinning and spinning and it never stopped.
Elle Aiessae: Okaaaaaaay.... what did you want to say?
Me: .................
Elle: "I really liked this video"?
Me: ................
Elle: "Cool!"?
Me: ROFLOL I DONT REMEMBER ROFLOL
Elle: You are so retarded

In Memory of Suki, the "Queensland Heeler"

Suki

1992- February 2nd, 2010

What can you say when a dog you've had for over seventeen years passes away? I have so many wonderful memories of Suki- she was the only dog besides Coko that learned to sit, shake, and speak, or that could jump onto the trampoline with a grand running start (and so was able to get extra special "alone" time with us). She also used to sit on top of her house like Snoopy. Once she climbed up a pile of firewood and onto the top of the fence, and then proceeded to walk the length of the fence like a tightrope to the neighbor's house. Elle and I happened to look out the window sometime after and we saw her standing up there looking into the neighbor's windows and we ran outside to get her down. She also liked to swim and eat persimmons and cherries.

Suki was a wonderful dog and we will never, ever forget her.


Thanks Suki, for all the amazing memories. We love you so much.

Fiction

The following is an excerpt from the novel tenatively titled Poker Face, by Judy Gaga

Listen carefully. There are nine people sitting at this table and one of us is going to win a lot of money tonight. There's also a dealer, who is not supposed to talk aside from calling out the stakes. But he's only human, so sometimes he does. He really doesn't say much, but it's very important that you pay attention to every detail possible.

The game is starting. The dealer deals and I get a 5 of clubs and a 2 of spades, so I fold and this gives me time to look around and evaluate my competition. You've got to be very careful when you do this because snap judgments could lead to some pretty terrible mistakes later on. Especially with women. I have a hard time reading women. I've got five sisters and a mother, each one worlds different from the others, and I tend to classify women into types based on the six examples I grew up with. I do it subconsciously. In the real world I've never met anyone as crazy as any of the women in my family are but I also know better than to think that there are only six types of crazy. There are as many types of crazy as there are women. And that's why I'll never get married, ha.

There's only one woman here at this table tonight and she's sitting directly across from me. And trust me it's not the worst view a guy could have, ha ha. She's small and thin with an olive complexion and she's deciding whether or not to fold. She does this shifty, side to side thing with her exotic looking green eyes as she flips her long dark hair and I think she looks sharp. Smart. She seems like the quiet type and if I were ever to get married she's the kind of woman I would want to do it with. She calls and I knew she would. Or else I think I knew she would. You see? Snap judgments can kill you off early, they really can. The hair flipping is something to watch out for. But I'm glad she's sitting across from me and not the fat slob to my left who looks like he split half his lunch between himself and his shirt.

Boringlight

All my respect to Stephenie Meyer, but I've been reading her book Twilight and I cannot fathom why it's become an international bestseller, let alone a mega-blockbuster movie series. For some reason I get the feeling that she's as baffled by her success as I am. Twilight has so many cliches and Bella's voice gets on my nerves. Furthermore, it reminds me of Elle Aiessae's and my absolute favorite series in the world (when we were about ten, that is), The Secret Circle by LJ Smith. Which was, and still is, way, way better than the terribly cheesy and boring Twilight.


Cassie, Faye, Diana, Adam... why didn't that get made into a movie? I never read Smith's series, The Vampire Diaries, but I bet it was good too, and again, much better than Twilight. And now after a brief wikipedia search I have learned that they're adapting the Vampire Diaries into a CW television series. Of course they are.

I bought the True Blood series last weekend after hearing everybody talking about it and I liked the first episode. But what is with the vampire overload, lately? It reminds me of the Harry Potter craze. What's going to be the next big thing, I wonder? A sitcom about a cyclops family, maybe? Or griffins... griffins are majestic and glamorous.

Like I said, all my respect to Stephenie Meyer. I hope to one day write something that will captivate a lot of people, too. I just hope there's some substance behind whatever it is that I write. And I hope that whatever I write gets made into a movie, too, and that I get to choose the actors to play the parts.

The Pepe Question

me: Pepe? Everyone loves Pepe

SS: But Pepe doesn't love everyone

Simmie

SIMYA ATHENA IBIZA

May 27, 2004-September 27, 2009

In loving memory of Simya Athena Ibiza, the most selfish little chinchilla that ever was. I will miss giving you big blocks of ice in tupperware in the summertime (which was my idea). Thank you for all the love and joy you brought into our lives. We will miss you terribly.

Movie Night with CC #2

CC: Yeah. Let's get that one. It's got an excellent cast.

Me: ..........

Insects

This afternoon I headed outside to sit atop my favorite stool and think when I noticed that somebody was already on it:


It looks a lot bigger and a lot scarier in person. It was almost the size of my palm, when it was at ease. It even raised up into a fighter attack stance. Here's a close up:

It even looks like a warrior. A tribal warrior. What are those dorky balls on the middle of the antennae? Maybe they're there to pick up the tiniest of sounds. They remind me of those things you could put on your spokes when you were a kid, those things that made noise. Those yellow things on its back, the tribal paint, I mean, are its wings.

Anyway, I was afraid. But I was determined to harass it because I wanted to see it do something else besides sit on my favorite stool. So. Standing behind the safety of the sliding glass door I rolled out a tape measure to make an appx. nine foot agitator. Then I opened the door about an inch and, sticking it out the door sideways, I tried agitating the Warrior Bug with the little metal hook end of my agitator. The warrior bug didn't budge and stood proud and tall as if it knew exactly what was going on. As if it wanted to kill me. The whole time I did this, about 30 seconds, I was really scared it was going to come get me.

I haaaaate all insects, especially spiders and am always thinking of two things whenever I am outside: Black widows, and brown recluse spiders. At my house in Merdead we have lots of black widows lurking around everywhere. They have to spray constantly just to keep the population at a minimum. My mom is so brave, she always goes walking around at night behind the bushes and trees to turn off sprinkler faucets everywhere. She says she's been bitten a couple of times, too, and she still isn't afraid. I would love to be like her someday.

There's also a HUGE moth here that's big and black. I call it La Mariposa de la Muerte. These things are gigantic. Think like if you took a pitch black hardcover book, opened it, turned it sideways, and flattened it against your wall. They fly into your home and attach themselves into the corners of your walls. Then, they wait until you are asleep to start flapping their giant wings around in the darkness. It's so creepy and unnecessary. In the daytime they just huddle in the corners like bats. I know they don't bite or do anything harmful but I Haaaaaaate these things, wouldn't you? People say that if one flies into your home and you don't kill it, someone in your house will die. But I can't kill them, it's too scary to take the life of something this large and evil- looking.

Here is a picture of one, in person they are bigger and blacker than this:

Random Family Conversation Remembered

"That's because you're bipedal and have opposable thumbs."-The Unforgettable Elle Aiessae
"What?! What'd she say?!!"-Diddy
"She said, she wonders why she smells lilacs when we're surrounded by lilies."-Mummy

What a Stupid Day

I am so annoyed that I am going to break my one thousand day posting fast and tell you all about it!

First, I wanted to go swimming today more than anything in the whole entire world, but our fraccionamiento swimming pool has been besieged by approximately one thousand little ghetto children who have most likely raised the pool water acidity by one thousand percent since noon. This means that not only will I not go swimming today, but I will not get to go swimming at all until after next Monday which is when they clean the pool.

Two, the lady who owns the house we are renting just told us that in order to keep the 6 curtains in the house we need to BUY them all at the RIDICULOUS cost of one thousand dollars. We researched the curtains and to buy them all brand new would cost about half that much. So we said no and right now as I type this there is some weird guy taking them all down and suddenly, even though it is like 7:00pm the house temperature is around one thousand degrees (celsius) and I need sunglasses to see in here. Now we have to buy curtains that fit these windows, which are special windows of a special size that we will never be able to use in another house. She could have at least given us time to purchase new ones and put them up before taking them down.

There is one other thing that happened today that was the most annoying thing of all. It involves a pocket, the family restaurant Hooters, the number one thousand and a pathological liarface. That's all I am allowed to say about it and that is all I want to say about it because it is just that annoying.

One Caught in Meth Lab Bust-Up

Daisy Mae

Making History

The entirely over-abundant urine sample of a total stranger (Courtesy Google Images)

My friend and I, dressed in very formal attire and sitting in the middle of a very fancy-schmancy dinner party, were having a very enthusiastic and rather loud conversation about proper stool and urine sample etiquette at the Doctor's office.

I opined that one should look for a way to set the sample down somewhere preferably hidden without having to pass it over to someone else's hands directly, and that the proper way to transport a sample from the bathroom to the lab is inside of a purse. She agreed and offered the appropriate way to give a sample over to a lab tech or nurse hand to hand if the situation were necessary.

We both eagerly agreed with the notion that one should be sure to give as little a sample as possible of either, but were unsure of exactly how much might be too little, which would make you have to do it all over again.

We shrieked with laughter as we verbally brought to life an imaginary scenario where someone turns in their entire (freakishly large) bowel movement, and then the moment got serious as I confided a very personal and emotional story from my childhood in which I fill my urine sample cup up to the rim during a doctor's visit, giving them about 2 cups worth of my urine and how my mom came in after me and poured the excess out, shaking her head and saying "You don't have to give them that much".

It was around this time that I tore my attention away from this engrossing conversation and looked up, straight into the lens of a videocamera (and behind it, a grinning cameraman) standing three feet away from us, recording the whole thing for the ages.

And So I Was Driving To Walmart And There Was This Cow...

... and it hopped onto a police truck, which gave it a ride to the other end of the Walmart, where it got off...

My Flight Home! Or, Why I Love to Fly!

Final Ticket Count: 17

June 10th, 2009
ITINERARY:
Depart10:35AM from San Francisco (SFO)
Arrive4:10PM from Dallas (DFW)
American Airlines Flight 2034
3 Hr 35 Min

Depart5:00PM Dallas (DFW)
Arrive7:35PM Mexico City (MEX)
American Airlines Flight 481
2 Hr 35 Min

5:00AM PST: Wake up and get ready to go to Mexico.
6:30AM: Elle Aiessae, CC, AJ and I leave for the SFO Airport
9:30AM: SFO and an hour till we fly!Thanks for the ride, Elle!
10:35AM: Flight delayed half an hour.
11:35AM: Flight delayed due to technical problems with the aircraft. We're going to miss our connecting flight to Dallas. We have to get reassigned to another flight and we get to stay in a hotel paid for by AA. Which is more than fine. Would we like to spend the night in SFO or in DFW? We choose DFW, to split up the travel time over two days. Oh, and instead of flying into Mexico City we must fly into BJX instead. That's okay, too. Perhaps even better. And we get food vouchers.
Our new itinerary:
Dallas/ft Worth (DFW) to Leon (BJX) on Thursday, 2009-06-11
Flight: AA3737
Operated By: AMERICAN EAGLE
Depart: 09:55 (DFW)
Arrive: 12:15 (BJX)

12:35PM: Still in SFO. Still delayed. Dreaming about the hotel. If we leave now we can have time to go swimming and relax a few hours before we go to bed.
1:30PM: It's getting late. By the time we get to Dallas, it will be past 8PM and we'll still have to check in and get the hotel arrangements with the airline, wait for baggage, get to the hotel. Maybe we should change our flight the next morning to something later.
2:30PM: Finally we board!
6:00PM CST: There is a huge electric storm in Dallas. Our plane cannot land, so instead we are going to circle the airport and wait for the storm to end or for clearance to land somewhere else.
8:00 PM CST: Storm is not letting up. We must fly to Oklahoma City and then they'll tell us what to do. I want to stay in a hotel in Oklahoma City.
8:45PM: Oklahoma City. Everybody gets out of the plane and onto the tarmac to change planes.
9:30PM: Dallas Fort Worth. Everybody gets out of the plane and into a HUGE LONG LINE to make their plans with the front desk. We are the last ones in line.
11:00PM: Airline person fights with me and says things that are really obvious. He does not let me talk. I want to change my morning flight because I want to sleep in. We have a verbal scuffle and he wins, I burst into tears and he feels sorry for me. He wants to put us in a really nice hotel, I can tell. But we have been translating for a man from Costa Rica and another man from Chile this whole time and they want to tag along with us because they have no idea what is going on, so he begrudgingly put us in the hotel that they are in. He tries to warn me with his eyes, but what can I do? Oh, and it will be impossible to retrieve our luggage tonight.

June 11th, 2009

12:00AM: Airport shuttle arrives and proceeds to pack us like sardines into the van. We are very illegally seated, but nobody cares because finally we are leaving the airport. It is a very bumpy ride that lasts about 40 minutes. 40 minutes!!!
12:40AM: We pull up to the B----- Inn. Everybody in the van starts to laugh.
12:45AM: AJ gets us pushed up to the front of the line. Which doesnt matter, because CC has to stay and translate for the two L. American guys who are in the back of the line.
1:15AM: CC gets to the hotel room and sees the glory that is the B---- Inn. We are tired and want to sleep but AJ wants to play. We have no cell phones (batteries are dead and no chargers) and so we set the hotel alarm clock to wake up at 6:30AM. The phones don't work because of the storm so we can't get a wake up call. 2:00AM: AJ doesn't understand that we need to get up at 6:30AM to catch the airport shuttle that is leaving at 7:00AM. She doesn't get it.
2:30 or so: Finally we all fall asleep.
3:30AM: Electrical storm starts up again and the lights go out. Which means that the alarm clock goes out, too. I don't care at all but CC sleeps in worried spurts in fear that we will miss the bus and our flight.
6:30AM: CC wakes us up
7:00AM: Back to the airport. The sky is gray and it is rainy. I have my doubts we will leave.
10:30AM: We are told to sit tight and wait because our flight will definitely be leaving, although we will be delayed. We are told to NOT APPROACH THE DESK BECAUSE THEY DO NOT HAVE ANY INFORMATION. A lot of flights are being canceled, but ours isn't canceled and won't be.
11:30AM: Flight delayed another hour.
12:00PM: Flight delayed another hour.
1:00PM: Flight delayed another hour.
2:00PM: Flight disappears completely from the flight listings. Its gone. So are the desk employees. They just left. 2:15PM: People are kinda frantic. They don't know what to do. It's like this all over the airport as airlines cancel flights left and right. Everybody is going to gate D24 by word of mouth. Supposedly Gate D24 is PACKED with people. We decide to stay at our gate and wait.
3:00PM: The airline people are back at the desk again. We get in line and wait to talk with them.
3:30PM: Our turn finally arrives. Our flight has been canceled. We are on our own because they are not liable for weather troubles. No hotel and no food vouchers. I tell CC to make AJ cry (which is easy, all you have to do is stop moving and be boring) as I explain to the airline people that this all started because of mechanical failure back in SFO and how hard it has been on us and how AJ is out of supplies and clean clothes and we need our luggage back. The airline lady is super nice with us and forces her superior to get us a hotel room and food vouchers. I can tell she is getting us a nice hotel this time by the look she gives me and her superior, who is forced to okay it.
3:45PM: The airline lady is still dealing with us. We have a hotel, but no flight back. All flights are full until SUNDAY.
4:15PM: We are still dealing with the airline lady. She finally gives us a phone number to call and tells us to get to our hotel and rest and to call the number later.
5:00PM: We get to our room at the Hilton. I was right. The bed is so comfortable and we all sleep for 2 hours. When we wake up we call the 1800 number and are booked with a flight at 2pm the next day to BJX on Mexicana instead of AA. Whatever!!! We'll take it!
8:00PM: We order room service and watch the NBA finals game. We have a perfect night of rest and relaxation.

June 12th, 2009
10:00AM: We wake up and have a perfect leisurely morning.
12:00PM: Check out and airport shuttle. We arrive at the airport. We're in the same clothes and everything and we havent brushed our teeth properly or put on deodorant in 2 days but we're showered and feeling quite refreshed.
12:10PM: Check in at Mexicana airlines. They don't have our reservation.
12:30PM: On the phone with the AA rep. She apologizes profusely for our ordeal. She rebooks us for a packed flight at 5:30PM to Mexico City. I try to get her to upgrade our seats for our suffering. She says she can't but that I should speak with the desk people about it.
1:00PM: After standing in line again, we finally get our seats confirmed. I ask the lady about seat upgrades. She cops a major attitude and tells me I am lying when I told her that the AA rep on the phone told me to speak with her about it. I drop the issue forever and resolve that I am not a "get stuff free" kind of person. She prints our tickets.
5:30PM: Flight has been delayed 1 hour.
6:30PM: We start boarding. They call out group numbers and we realize we don't have a group. We don't have seats assigned, either. We start panicking and realize that we probably are on standby.
6:35PM: We're not on standby! We got seats.
6:45PM: We fly home. We finally get home to our house at 2AM.

TTASFICST #5

#5

When I'm watching a movie and all of a sudden some ultra-nerdy character says something ultra-nerdy that only my sister would say.

Like Augie Farks did in Role Models:

*FYI* There was no copy of this scene to be found on all of the internets, so I had to upload my own. For all of those people wanting to know how I did it: First I put in a pirated copy of Role Models into my DVD player, then I fast-forwarded it to the scene I wanted, and pressed pause. Then I turned on my digital camera, and aiming it directly at the tv, I pressed the record button and the play button of the DVD remote control at the same time. I'm a technophile.

The Pig Flu

Yesterday CC and I saw a Mom and daughter driving alone inside their car with surgical masks on, which was a TTASFICST. People are panicking and all the schools here shut down until May 6th. I keep expecting to look out my window and see PIG ZOMBIES marching down the street. How serious is this thing, really?